I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Brands during Pride
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”