Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
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I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED