Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan