Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
When your man makes a valid point
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.