Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
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Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.