Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.