“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!