What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Life cycle of cat
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*