“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
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The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now