[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The asteroid..