*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.