Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake