I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn