If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
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[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Monday?
No. Next question.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”