Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
get you a girl who
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely