[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
never deleting this app.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related