We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
You Might Also Like
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.