If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement