“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!