“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday: