Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
how was your vacation
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle