[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.