Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah