Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.