Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
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Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*