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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
wtf management?!
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.