The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham