Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones