My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years