I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
You Might Also Like
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym