Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–