My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Sunday
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The Assassin.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…