ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Is….Is this an option?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails