Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel