Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
We’ve all been there
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.