I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
happy friday
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table