My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.