Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done