Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*