Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them