My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.