I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
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When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.