You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]