Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
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The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Do not levitate over flowers
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.