Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.