fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
good let them take over I have had enough
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Meanwhile in Canada…
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns