Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue