CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.