If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
me doing my best
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
😂😂
We’ve come full circle
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
this is uni
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
He just like my cat fr
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL