How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Breaking news:
…u ok Nintendo?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Rather alarming headline…
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Welcome
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”